How to Deal with Church Hurt

And Jesus answered them, “Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick. I have not come to call the righteous but sinners to repentance.” Luke 5:31-32 CSB

Church isn’t for perfect people. Everyone attending church, whether they are actively surrendering their lives to God or not, are completely imperfect. They are sinners.

That’s the whole foundation of our faith, right?

I’m a sinner, I need Jesus so that I can have a relationship with God.

It’s funny how easy it is to forget that fact when hurt happens. Someone is mean or a leader makes a poor decision, and our hackles are up! 

When I had my first run in with church hurt, I was a new christian and still in high school, I didn’t have a hefty income (part time secretary doesn’t pay an awful lot) and my parents weren’t in a position to buy me new work clothes. I was wearing my aunt’s hand me downs, and they didn’t fit perfectly.

Rushing to church after work, dressed in clothes meant for someone with a thinner body type, meant that my clothes fit in a way that accentuated all sorts of curves. I was a mess, and I didn’t realize what modesty was at the time, especially Christian modesty, which I hadn’t grown up with. The leader of our small group decided I needed to be told all about it… but instead of coming to me herself, she sent a boy in the group. 

I was so embarrassed! I felt hurt that the leader didn’t talk to me herself, or explain modesty to me. I felt hurt that the small group had met about my lack of modesty beforehand. I felt hurt, and I ran away from the situation.

I’m not even sure that I went back to the church after that confrontation, but instead found another church all together.

“For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God;” (Romans 3:23 CSB)

 “I give you a new command: Love one another. Just as I have loved you, you are also to love one another.” (John 13:34 CSB)

I had forgotten that Jesus had given us a command to love one another the way that He loved. His love wasn’t conditional on not being hurt, I mean He really died for the people sneering at Him on the cross. He prayed for and loved the people who were actively hurting Him, and He even continued to love His dear friend who betrayed Him. 

Jesus loved and loves on a whole different level than we humans are naturally drawn to.

These two verses paired together shows me that even when people sin, even when people fall short of being worthy of God, we’re still called to love them. We’re still called to love the people who hurt us through their sin the same way others are still called to love us through ours.

So, the question becomes, how do we move past hurt once it happens, and Paul has our back on that one, too!

“With all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, making every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.” (Ephesians 4:2-3 CSB)

With Humility

Humility, by definition, is humbly putting our needs second behind someone else. Jesus showed the utmost humility by sacrificing His life for all of us.

We can show humility by putting other people’s needs above our own. We can probably avoid most arguments by allowing others to get their way, especially since most things don’t matter in the grand scheme of things.

Our job as followers of Christ is to continue following Him, and telling others about Him! If it has nothing to do with that, is it really as important as it seems at the moment? Obviously with the caveat of standing up for what is right biblically, but not blowing the small stuff out of proportion.

There’s a big difference between dropping the rope (get it? Like if you were playing tug of war instead of on the verge of conflict?) because you can’t agree on the type of cookies to pass out for an event, and dropping the rope because someone wants to follow the world instead of Jesus.

With Gentleness 

Gentleness is putting harmony over being right. Working through any situation as kindly and mercifully as possible, trying to come to a conclusion that works for both parties. 

If the roles were switched, how would we want to be spoken to? How would we want our transgressions brought to our attention?

I know that I personally work better with someone being nice, and gentle, seeking harmony with me versus trying to hurt me the way I had unintentionally hurt them. 

This looks like speaking with love, and putting our own hurt on the back burner.

With Patience 

I thought I was patient until I had a kid. Even as I’m writing this, my toddler is yelling at me like I personally forced his father to work late so that he would be deprived of his son-father time. I assure you all, I did not. 

There’s a reason this one is a fruit of the Spirit: it’s so hard to achieve without the Holy Spirit guiding the whole time. 

Being patient with others is not our first instinct as humans. Again, that sinful nature rears its head, but we can fight it and work towards seeing the other person’s point of view and trying to work with them through the situation.

Bearing with one another in Love, making every effort for Unity

The first three things culminate here. Jesus told us to love others the way He loved first, and this is how He loved. Completely humble, with gentleness and patience.

His first and foremost goal was for unity, for all to come to know Him, and God through Him. 

Hurt in the church is impossible to avoid, but there are ways that we can try to love one another. We can be the change, we can be the first to approach conflict differently, and love others through the rough times that others usually run from. 

Jesus didn’t run from us, in fact, he ran after us. He sought us out, leaving the 99 for us 1. How can we mimic that in our own life?