“I pray not only for these, but also for those who believe in me through their word. May they all be one, as you, Father, are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us, so that the world may believe you sent me. I have given them the glory you have given me, so that they may be one as we are one. I am in them and you are in me, so that they may be made completely one, that the world may know you have sent me and have loved them as you have loved me. John 17:20-23 CSB

Alright, ladies! We’ve spent a few weeks discussing conflict and how to interact with others in a Godly way.

At this point we’re at the end of conflict, and things are either tied up nicely, or still a mess. How do we proceed after that?

If we flip to Matthew 18 (specifically a CSB version), we’ll see that verses 15-20 are titled Restoring a Brother. That’s our goal. By interacting with people in a way that prevents conflict, changing our hearts and intents as we work through the conflict, and now as we proceed after the conflict. Our goal is to restore our brothers and sisters. Our goal is unity. 

Jesus takes the time to pray for three things in this chapter: Himself, His disciples, and the people who will come to believe. And in that prayer for us, the ones who have come to believe, He prays for unity among us. That must mean it’s pretty important, right?

Unity isn’t always possible; it takes two to tango, right? If both parties aren’t willing to work together for conflict to be resolved completely, it can’t be. But, we’ll touch on that more shortly.

I believe that there are three types of reconciliation that brings an end to conflict, and each one looks different as we move past it. Let’s break them down!

Conflict is resolved; we’re back to normal

Love is patient, love is kind. Love does not envy, is not boastful, is not arrogant, is not rude, is not self-seeking, is not irritable, and does not keep a record of wrongs. Love finds no joy in unrighteousness but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

So the conflict is resolved. It was a misunderstanding or an easy enough fix, and now we have to get back to normal! This is honestly the ideal ending to conflict, but that doesn’t make the “getting back to normal” super easy.

We have to remember this scripture in 1 Corinthians. While this verse is usually thrown around at weddings, or printed in beautiful script in houses, I have never heard it used in regards to relationships that aren’t romantic. But we are called to love God’s children, and so this works here, too!

Although this verse lists several attributes that we should exercise when it comes to loving our sisters after conflict (and all other times as well), we’re going to focus on not keeping a record of wrong, and bearing all things. 

The only way to move past this whole kerfuffle, is to wipe clean the record of wrong. We have to fully and completely forgive. If we only forgive until we bring it up again, we’re never going to love them the way we’re called to. If we only forgive until they mess up again, we aren’t showing grace.

Verse 7 points out that love bears all things. Love is capable of bearing mess ups, hurt, and even absolute betrayal, if we let it. If we have solved the problem, and are able to move on, we have decided that our love can bear the issue that was at hand, so we have to let it.

The hardest part of this type of conflict resolution is that it’s hard to genuinely move on. The same way that we don’t want God to only forgive us until we mess it up again, we can’t withhold genuine forgiveness from others. But if we can manage, we can seek unity and build stronger relationships through it!

Conflict resolved (mostly); But we’re still hurt

Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and reaching forward to what is ahead, I pursue as my goal the prize promised by God’s heavenly call in Christ Jesus. Philippians 3:13-14

Personally, I find myself here after most conflicts. I don’t feel completely settled, and honestly I feel awkward whenever I have to interact with the other party. Have you been here?

This is a hard place to be, because it’s a weird limbo with seemingly no concrete way to make it better. There are too many variables for me to even give you any advice, so let’s go to our faithful “tell it as it is” Mr. Paul!

This conflict is now behind us, and we have a bigger prize to focus on: God’s heavenly call in Christ Jesus. We can continue to stress about the situation, or we can choose to move on regardless. 

If the opportunity arises, it’s always good to clear the air and make it easier to move on, but if the conflict is resolved, we can focus on the THING, which is knowing God better and telling others about Him!

Conflict isn’t resolved; I’m very hurt

Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Give careful thought to do what is honorable in everyone’s eyes. If possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Friends, do not avenge yourselves; instead, leave room for God’s wrath, because it is written, Vengeance belongs to me; I will repay, says the Lord. But If your enemy is hungry, feed him. If he is thirsty, give him something to drink. For in so doing you will be heaping fiery coals on his head. Do not be conquered by evil, but conquer evil with good. Romans 12:17-21

Paul is very specific here: even in our hurt we are not to hurt others. We have to interact honorably with the people who hurt us, and be at peace with them AS FAR AS IT DEPENDS ON US. 

This, to me, means that there comes a point that there’s nothing we can do. If the other people/person is so set on things not being reconciled, there comes a point where we can’t do anything at all, beyond pray about it. 

Sometimes, this looks like actively deciding to stay away from this person. If working together, serving together, or even just being together causes either party to sin, it’s better to remove that temptation.

There is no verse that says we have to like everyone, or be best friends with everyone. We’re called to a higher standard, which is to be different from the world. We are called to respond with grace and love, even when we’re hurt.

So, in case you haven’t heard this yet, I’m sorry that you’re struggling with this. I’m sorry that you’re stuck in this limbo of unresolved tension and conflict. I’m sorry that you’re hurt.

But, you don’t get to sit in those hurt feelings, because we’re called to bigger and better things. We’re called to an eternity with Christ! So, recognize the best path forward with seeking peace, whether it’s another conversation or parting ways, and dedicate to that path! And then, conquer those evil thoughts and struggles with good.

In parting ways, we are not allowed to live in hate, but instead live in gracious love (hopefully with several feet between each other at all times). We are called to continue to help and love and serve and BE GOOD, but we can do that from afar if necessary.

Conflict resolution isn’t usually one and done, which really stinks, but hopefully with the tools listed in the last few posts, we can move through it easier and with less heartache.