Working Through Conflict
In THIS POST, we talked about avoiding conflict as far as we are able. Unfortunately, conflict is a part of our lives. Jesus went through it, we have been through it, and we will go through it some more.
The question then becomes “how can I get through this conflict?”
Well, my lovely, wonderful ladies, I am so glad that you asked!
When conflict arises, we all think of the same scripture, right?
“If your brother sins against you, go tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have won your brother. But if he won’t listen, take one or two others with you, so that by the testimony of two or three witnesses every fact may be established. If he doesn’t pay attention to them, tell the church. If he doesn’t pay attention even to the church, let him be like a Gentile and a tax collector to you. Truly I tell you, whatever you bind on earth will have been bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will have been loosed in heaven. Again, truly I tell you, if two of you on earth agree about any matter that you pray for, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven. For where two or three are gathered together in my name, I am there among them.” Matthew 18:15-20 CSB
Jesus is pretty clear on the process of which to confront these kinds of situations: Go to the person that hurt you, and if they listen, yay! If they don’t listen, go as a group, that way no one’s words can be twisted. We want to deal with facts here. If that still doesn’t work, tell the church. Yikes, am I right? Who wants to do that?? And it keeps going. We’ll touch on this a little bit, but I want to focus on our hearts in this post.
I also want to throw in a slight caveat- we are strictly talking about getting through conflict, not what to do when conflict is/isn’t resolved. That will be in another post. This post is simply a reminder that even if we have done everything we can to avoid conflict, there’s more that we can do to help resolve conflict on our end of things. Alright, caveat over, let’s continue.
When we get hurt, it’s so easy to sit in that hurt and let it become an even bigger problem. When we allow that hurt or anger to fester into bitterness, conflict resolution is no longer our goal. Instead, we turn towards sin ourselves. We turn towards proving that we’re right, we turn towards hurting the other person like they hurt us. Or worse, we turn towards indifference that is impossible to reconcile. This idea is worse, in my opinion, because if we become indifferent to the person, there is no room for true repentance to change our hearts.
Conflict is not something that we typically run head-first into, and do a stunning job of it. The biggest piece of advice I always receive in this (and also is kind of common sense, so I don’t know why my instinct is to skip it…) is to pray about it. Go to God about it, and God will provide. Whether it’s wisdom on how to move forward, or a heart softened towards the other person/people, God provides. Also in Matthew, Jesus says that if you knock, the door will be opened. If you ask, you shall receive! Just pray!
In this scripture, Jesus clearly tells us what our actions should be when we need to confront a brother or sister in Christ, so let’s talk about how to prepare our hearts for it!
Having COMPASSION through Conflict
“Let all bitterness, anger and wrath, shouting and slander be removed from you, along with all malice. And be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving one another, just as God also forgave you in Christ.” Ephesians 4:31-32 CSB
Verse 31 lists what we should remove from ourselves. As we sit in that hurt or anger caused by our family in Christ, we have to remember that our fleshly desires are not what we are called to follow. We are not called to be like everyone else, angry and shouting and getting even. Instead, we’re called to be the light of the world, the salt of the earth. We’re called to be different.
We have to shake off that instinct to protect ourselves in the moment, and let it all go. (Easier said than done).That bitterness that festers from the hurt. The anger and wrath that comes out when we feel indignant that someone would treat us in such a way. Refusing to shout, refusing to slander.
We cannot turn to these evil things and still be like Jesus.
So instead, we choose to have compassion on those we are in conflict with. We choose instead to be kind.
The Greek word here for “compassionate” is eusplanchnoi which means “tender-hearted.” We are told to choose to soften our hearts towards our brothers and sisters, and show mercy. THIS is how Jesus responded to conflict: with love and mercy, while still being firm in what is wrong and right.
By being loving and compassionate with our words and actions, we are not allowing ourselves to be a doormat. We are still firm and founded in the Truth of God’s Word. But, we are doing it in a way that will create a more receptive environment for everyone. Seeking resolution over drilling our hurt into them.
People don’t typically accept Christ when someone is beating them over the head with a Bible, and the same concept is true of conflict resolution. Once the feelings are met, conflict can more easily be resolved. When everyone feels heard, and loved, and not targeted, people are more likely to hear everyone out.
Now, how do we do this? Great question! Through Loving Communication!
Loving COMMUNICATION through Conflict
“Above all, maintain constant love for one another, since love covers a multitude of sins.” 1 Peter 4:8 CSB
My husband and I rarely argue. We are both very laid back, type B people. It’s so so rare that we both decide to put our foot down about something. But, recently, it happened.
We had a rather important topic come up and we both wanted to be on the same page. With this thing, I felt rather strongly that I should be allowed to choose something because he had full reign to choose last time. And to top it off, I felt REALLY strongly against what he wanted.
I did the dumb thing, and I spoke out of frustration, refusing to hear his side of his point. I was so frustrated, and I felt so justified.
Three guesses on how the conversation went…
I wasn’t speaking to him with love. I wasn’t HEARING him, and I definitely wasn’t willing to see where I was in the wrong.
Now, obviously this is probably not the type of conflict you’re facing, but how often do we get to that point? Stuck in our own feelings, trying to prove and justify ourselves so that we aren’t the “wrong” party. Creating such a sense of “No, I’m the one that’s right,” that we don’t even hear anything else?
Jesus died for our sins. He loved us in a way that I don’t know I will ever understand, and sacrificed for that love.
It’s impossible to look at Jesus’ ministry and see that Jesus wants us to prove our point to the detriment of others. Don’t hear me say that Jesus didn’t do this. Jesus said what He needed to say especially when it came to the religious factions, and that definitely didn’t lead to conflict resolution, BUT, with His followers, He would rebuke in love, and move on.
We are called to rebuke our brothers and sisters in Christ when they sin. But we shouldn’t call each other out so that the other would be hurt. We shouldn’t seek opportunities to prove who is better. Instead, we should seek opportunities to grow together, and walk alongside each other. We also have to be vulnerable. Rebuking can’t be one sided only. If we expect our sisters in Christ to hear us out, we have to also hear them out. And then we work on forgiving each other, like what’s mentioned in the Ephesians scripture, and moving forward in love.
Conflict isn’t easy to navigate, and truly we can only control the way we respond to it. But if we seek conflict resolution with compassion, and prioritize a loving approach with our communication, we can do our part in resolving any situation we find ourselves in.
Another point that Jesus makes in Matthew 18 verses 19-20, if we come together and pray for softened hearts for reconciliation, and wisdom on how to work through it, God will provide. Conflict among the Church isn’t God’s design.
Together, let’s approach conflict in a loving way, completely different from the world, and see how our relationships change!