BIG Feelings

I’m a self proclaimed introvert. I enjoy silence. I gain energy from being alone. I don’t enjoy being in big groups of people or small talk. 

At the same time, I’m a caregiver. As a teenager I cared for my mom, then after she passed I took over the caring for my dad role until his passing about a year and a half ago. (Because old men act like they can’t take care of themselves lol) So now, after spending the majority of my life caring for my beloved parents, struggling to get that “alone” time, sometimes it feels like I have an abundance of it. Don’t get me wrong, I still enjoy it- most of the time. 

But whether it’s a byproduct of grief or the cycle of hormones, there are moments where I struggle with feeling so lonely. Sometimes I can be grocery shopping (so around a big group of people) and the overwhelming loneliness descends on me. 

Today (the date of this writing, not the date of posting) I had a busy day; I peopled. Yet on my way home I just sang the “lonely, I am so lonely” song. Then I sat in my car in the driveway for over an hour. 

How do I usually cope with my big feelings? Sometimes I linger in it a while- feel sorry for myself or even cry. Sometimes I make it worse by scrolling on social media (social media is meant to make us feel worse about ourselves- I’m convinced). Sometimes I try to push it down and ignore it with “worldly noise”, like tv, Instagram reels, podcasts, or dumb games on my phone. Sometimes I try to swat it away by reaching out to a friend. And sometimes I try to remind my heart what my head already knows with a little truth talk- God is good. God loves me. God cares about me. God will never leave me. God hears me. God created everything I can see, smell, hear, taste, and touch. God lovingly sent his Son Jesus to take on the death penalty that I deserve. My heart may feel lonely and it’s overwhelming, but my feelings are not reliable and it will pass. 

“The Lord is the one who will go before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or abandon you. Do not be afraid or discouraged.” Deuteronomy 31:8 CSB

I do love this verse as an encouragement. Here Moses is giving his final instructions to Joshua, who will take his place as leader of the Israelites. Of all people, Moses understands how hard life is and how lonely it can be. In the verse prior, he tells Joshua to be courageous as he leads the people into the promised land. I love the image this contours in my mind- our God goes before us. He is also by our side. He doesn’t go before us like a bossy line leader. He lovingly guides us in the right ways to go.

The truth is, for me, holidays are some of the loneliest times. They’re some of the times where grief reigns loudest and I have feelings of jealousy and lots of discontentment and disappointment of how my life is playing out. Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought I’d be a single 30 year old girl with no family of my own. Of course I dreamed of the perfect wedding, wonderful Godly husband, beautiful kiddos, and having my parents acting as encouraging and loving grandparents. That’s what I dreamed of and wanted as a kid. That’s what I just “knew” God would bless me with. Obviously God had other plans. I don’t know why. I don’t understand it. It seems unfair. It makes me discontent with my life and question God’s goodness. And it makes me jealous of others that have what I always dreamed of.

So what are God’s thoughts on these awful, yet real and overwhelming feelings I have sometimes? Are these thoughts and feelings sinful? And better yet, how is someone in my situation (no parents, no spouse, no kids) supposed to cope with being alone so much and hyper-independent? 

These are vulnerable and real questions. They are obviously things I struggle a lot with. Maybe you have had these feelings before for whatever reasons. If not, I’m sure you know someone who has. So let’s dig in and learn together. 

First and foremost, let’s get something straight. I heard an author (Lysa Turkeurst) once say that feelings are real, but they are not reliable. So I believe that feelings, in and of themselves, are not sinful. BUT our thoughts, words, and actions as a result of those feelings can be sinful. If we constantly discount our feelings, we are bound to become cold and apathetic. Apathy is a good way to trick ourselves into not being able to hear or feel the Holy Spirit in our hearts and minds. 

Contentment

The first letter to Timothy talks about contentment. Verse 6:8 even says that if we have our basic needs met, we are to be content. He warns about greed and the trap that is human desires. 

So is feeling discontent with life a sin? When we make it about ourselves and what we want or what we feel entitled to (aka “I deserve xyz”) then yes. When we actively discount the gifts and opportunities that God has given us, yes. We should be grateful, at the bare minimum, that God sent Jesus to pay the death penalty for our sin. When life seems too dark to see the light at the end of the tunnel and like nothing is going right, we can know with all our minds and souls that Christ came for us, to rescue us from ourselves. Does that make things go right? Does it brighten up the tunnel? Not always. But keeping the thought in the forefront of our minds is a good way to “keep on keeping on” until the days seem brighter.

Life is Unfair

Oh, girl don’t I know this one!! This is one of my most common whiny complaints to God. But who in the world told us this life on earth is supposed to be fair???

“I have told you these things so that in me you may have peace. You will have suffering in this world. Be courageous! I have conquered the world.” John 16:33 CSB 

In the Gospel of John, we see Jesus remind his followers that they will have suffering in this world. In this life we are guaranteed to have suffering and struggles. We are promised to have hard times and big emotions. Unfortunately we are not promised to have our hopes and dreams come true. Elsewhere in Scripture we are promised eternal life with God if we believe in Him and follow Him. That is the happy ending. It happens after life on this earth as a result of our choosing Him while we are on this earth. 

I know, it can be so difficult to keep the eternal heavenly reality in mind when the right here, right now is a mess. We can get tunnel vision and even “blind” to the rest of the world and the rest of our future. All we can manage is getting through the right here, right now. In these hard moments we can repeat Jesus’ words “Be courageous! I have conquered the world.” Jesus has conquered. I don’t need to conquer because the only one capable already did it. My job is just to be courageous and keep on following Him.

Loneliness 

Remember the first verse we started this post with? Deuteronomy 31:8. The promise that God will never leave us. That is one to store in your heart!!

We’ll talk more about this topic in a later post, but simply- feeling alone is not a sin. There are several people in the Bible, including Jesus who also had bouts of loneliness, and even recorded it for us many years later. 

Jealousy

So this one differs some from the previous feelings because it is actually explicitly addressed in the Bible. 

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 1 Corinthians 13:4 NIV

When I am jealous of another person, I am showing envy. I want what they have. I think I deserve or am entitled to what they have. Obviously for me it’s not necessarily material things that I am jealous of, but the feeling of family and belonging. But is that loving others? No. Paul states that very clearly. Look at another thing Paul wrote:

Now the works of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, moral impurity, promiscuity, idolatry, sorcery, hatreds, strife, jealousy, outbursts of anger, selfish ambitions, dissensions, factions, envy, drunkenness, carousing, and anything similar. I am warning you about these things—as I warned you before—that those who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of God. Galatians 5:19-21 CSB (emphasis mine)

So I guess that answers the question of ‘is feeling jealous a sin?’ with a resounding ‘YES!’ I think in my struggle this feeling is a result of the others. As a result of being discontented, I think I should have xyz. As a result of feeling lonely, I think things would be better if xyz. So what started out as more of an innocent feeling quickly turned to sinful. Yikes. That’s how quick our hearts and minds can spiral into sin when we have those big feelings.

Conclusion

This was a heavy post. But it was very vulnerable and real. Y’all, life is hard. We will encounter big feelings that are overwhelming. The feelings we have in our hearts may not match the truths we KNOW to be true about God. In these moments, I would challenge you to feel the feels but then to use the things you know to be true to remind your heart. Give that heart a good ‘ol pep talk. It’s these moments that we dig into the deposit of Scripture memory that we have and pull out the verses we have stored away for a day like today, when life seems overwhelming and hard. God knows our feelings, yet He wants us to communicate our feelings to Him. How insane is that? The God of the universe cares when I am sad!? But more importantly, He wants us to focus on Him in those moments. To bring those feelings to Him and then focus on His truths instead of our temporary feelings.