Loving Amidst Hurt

Hello lovely readers! Today, I am writing a post for myself, and myself alone. I have struggled a lot with this the last few weeks, and honestly more like since my husband got into ministry, and I needed to spend some time figuring out how to love even when I’m hurt.

I will be the first to admit that I get hurt pretty easily. Unfortunately, I will also admit that instead of moving past the hurt and towards forgiveness, my instinct is to move towards anger or frustration. I don’t even realize it until I see my husband rear back because I said something out of anger. I prayed and searched my Bible high and low for wisdom on how to function in these moments, especially since they seem to be happening more and more frequently, and my new instinct is to step away from everything so I can avoid it happening anymore.

Spoiler alert, just walking away from hard things isn’t what we’re called to (Galatians 6:9), but instead to bear with one another through the hard times (Colossians 3:13-14).

So, how can I do this without going crazy?

Understanding Christ’s Love for Us

But God proves his own love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. (Romans 5:8 CSB)

Jesus didn’t choose to love us because we were perfect in His Father’s eyes. He didn’t even choose us because we are the elected few who have dedicated our life to HIm. No, He chose us while we were still sinners, living in sin and actively not seeking Him.

Jesus shows this in practice a few times in the Gospels, but one example I love is the woman at the well. (John 4:5-30)

Jesus approached her with intention of guiding her to Him. She didn’t know who He was, she had no intention of repenting. He still loved her, and still wanted her to follow Him.

Christ’s love is never contingent. He died for EVERYONE. Not just the ones that would reap the benefit of salvation. He does for the ones that blaspheme Him, the ones that nailed Him to the cross, and those who teach falsely today. 

The same as the lady at the well, His love didn’t start at her obedience, but instead started at His own grace and mercy. It always starts with Him. And, maybe that’s what’s the biggest issue with how I pursue relationships amidst hurt, it starts with my hurt and what they did wrong, but not with Jesus.

The Role of Expectations in Relationships

My husband and I had a fun interaction with expectations the other day. I have an expectation that if one of us is preoccupied, the other isn’t allowed to be. I had parents that were constantly doing other things and weren’t always present with us, and I don’t want that for our kids.

With that, if he’s on the phone, I am with the kids, and I expect the same for when I’m on the phone.

But, guess who never verbalized that expectation? ME!

I had this unhealthy expectation of him and he didn’t even know! 

Now, with the Bible, our expectations are pretty cut and dry: love God and love others. There are subheadings on how to do it, but it’s pretty simple. Well, it’s simple until it isn’t anymore.

I’ve found that I also have an unverbalized expectation of others, and that is: value the relationships with God and others over all things. I get indignant when I see people throwing harmony out the window for the sake of self-preservation, or pride. When people decide that how they feel in the moment is more important than their relationship with God or the people around them.

Now, the same way with my husband, if I come in guns a-blazing because this expectation I had wasn’t reached, it’s only going to hurt everyone’s feelings. The role that these expectations have is negative. How do we switch it to positive? By managing them.

How to Manage Expectations

I do see that dictating how others should treat their individual relationships is an unrealistic expectation. There is no situation where I as an individual get to decide how another individual should respond. I’ve seen this a lot in ministry, that someone decides how a situation should go and when the other parties don’t jump on the follow-train, everything goes up in smoke. 

Part of this is because God’s timing is always perfect. We can't force someone to grow according to our expectations, when we have no idea how God is working in them at that moment. Even though they aren’t showing the fruit of patience or gentleness, usually our responses are also lacking patience, maybe even joy and love. 

Going back to how we can manage our expectations of others, a plan I found was by leaning into the fruit we’ve been offered by the Holy Spirit. I heard once that “a tree doesn’t eat the fruit it bears, but instead bears the fruit for others.” Our fruits can only do so much for ourselves, but when poured into others, it could and should lead others closer to God.

This allows us to have Christ-minded conversations with others about boundaries and expectations that we have, and work to find a good middle ground that fits both parties' needs. But this requires all of the fruit. Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Self-control being what allows us to take the time amidst the hurt to show the other fruits in their entirety.

Loving Others in Difficult Moments

Where does judgment come in to practice with these moments? When does Jesus switch from loving the people to excommunicating them? I’ve begun to wonder if the only time excommunicating others is when they refuse to love God. 

​​If your brother sins against you, go tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have won your brother. But if he won’t listen, take one or two others with you, so that by the testimony of two or three witnesses every fact may be established. If he doesn’t pay attention to them, tell the church. If he doesn’t pay attention even to the church, let him be like a Gentile and a tax collector to you. (Matthew 18:15-17 CSB)

If anyone does not welcome you or listen to your words, shake the dust off your feet when you leave that house or town. (Matthew 10:14 CSB)

At this point, chance upon chance, upon chance has been given in both of these examples. Time and time again they chose not to know God, hear the Word and what following Christ means for our lives. 

Nine times out of ten, it doesn’t come to this in conflict or hurt, especially within church. Instead, hurt usually comes from the two things I stated above: self-preservation or pride, and someone’s (especially my own’s) inability to see past that.

Personally, I hate people thinking badly of me. I will keep an argument going for the sake of making sure they KNOW that I didn’t do anything wrong, and it takes a few days of thinking about it to realize that I actually did. No one is ever faultless in a situation.

But, if we all responded to situations in love, putting hurt on the backburner and not allowing it to impact the way we love, I wonder how that would affect conflict within our churches? If we just assumed the best in everyone and moved straight past the hurt and into loving and forgiving? We push ourselves straight into a good mental headspace to discuss boundaries and how to move forward?

It’s idealistic. The same way the concept of “Give 100% to every relationship so that the other can, too.” But, no one ever gives 100% and one always ends up getting hurt or feeling used, right? 

I guess, my goal, is to be known as the person who doesn’t over react, and doesn’t condemn in the moment, so that others eventually realize they don’t need to protect themselves from me. Becoming an example of how I want people to respond to my own shortcomings.

Navigating Forgiveness and Bearing with One Another

Forgiveness is a difficult thing. It doesn’t just happen on its own, but instead we have to choose it. Just like love.

I wish that made it easier, but alas, being like Christ is usually a pain. 

Praying and trusting God in the situation is a good place to start. Praying for our hearts, as well as the other people involved. Trusting God to work not just in us, but others and the situation itself.

We are called to bear with one another, not throw in the proverbial towel when things get hard. The sad truth of it is: it will always get hard. But, we can be like Christ and do what He would do… stay. 

So stay. Forgive. Be humble and selfless, and put yourself second always. I’ll be trying to do the same thing.